Your doctor has scheduled you for an autopsy
on ___________ at _______ AM/PM. St. Amgems Hospital wants you to be
prepared for what should be an eventful time. This guide should
answer the most common questions in regard to your procedure. Please
call your doctor's office if you have any further questions. Please
remember, autopsies are performed on an "as needed" procedure. If
you, or a qualified Medical Examiner chooses to cancel your autopsy,
the Pathology department requires 24 hours notice.
WHAT IS AN AUTOPSY?
As advanced as medical science is, sometimes we need more thorough
procedures to find out why your living status has been impaired. An
autopsy can include CAT scans, X-rays, and surgical evaluation.
WILL IT INVOLVE SURGERY?
Yes. At times when there is a lack of obvious traumatic impact,
surgery is needed. Your doctor may wish to examine your vital
organs. This involves removal of the organs for the purpose of
study. The contents of your stomach will also be examined, so we
urge you not to take anything by mouth for 12 (twelve) hours before
cessation of your existence or the procedure.
WILL IT HURT?
We certainly hope not. If at any time you're feeling uncomfortable,
please feel free to alert the pathologist.
WHAT SHOULD I BRING?
We recommend a very large, empty suitcase. Ideally, your family
should sign a "permission for disposal" form. If this has been done,
you'll be provided with an effects bag and all unwanted matter will
be disposed of in a device affectionately known as "Chuckie". It can
also be helpful for you to bring anything that might have
contributed to your current condition. This can include any drugs
containers from medications you might have ingested.
WHEN CAN I RETURN TO WORK?
Not for a while. We suggest you worry about this after your autopsy.
WILL I HAVE A SCAR?
We take vanity in consideration. You may have a large "Y" shaped
incision on your torso. There may also be some scalp incisions that
can be covered by a competent professional.
WILL YOU LAUGH AT MY WEENIE?
Yes. Pathology is a profession fraught with stress and alcoholism.
Your doctor may already have placed you in the Weenie Relocation
Program (WRP) which means your weenie might end up in any number of
body cavities, at the whim of your doctor. Should you not want us to
laugh at your weenie, we suggest you dispose of it beforehand.
We at St. Amgems want your autopsy to be a positive experience and
promise to treat your earthly remains with dignity and respect
(aside from the weenie dealie). Please refer to our brochures
"Cadaver's Bill of rights" and "So You're Dead. What Next?" for more
information.
Remember, here at St. Amgems, our day starts when yours ends!
 
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