CHILLI JUDGING CONTEST
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city
park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank,
who was visiting from Canada. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be
selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at
the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck,
when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli 1 - Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster
Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Judge 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli 2 - Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli 3 - Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn
Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great
kick. Needs more beans.
Judge 2 -- A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chilli 4 - Bubba's Black Magic
Judge 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no
Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.
bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this is nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli 5 - Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I
wonder if I'm burning my lips
off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to! stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chilli 6 - Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I
thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chilli 7 - Susan's Screaming Sensation
Judge 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's
too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach!
Chilli 8 - Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli
Judge 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chilli. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot chilli!