If you have ever attempted to organize a
Christmas function at work, you will relate to these emails all too
well...
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't
be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas
tree will be lit at 1:00pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however,
no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be
made by our
CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not
Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will
be no Christmas tree present. No
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I
supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year
does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the
Grill House can hold off
on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.
Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight
Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women
will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own
table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's
table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross
dressing allowed though.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in
the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to
taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant
cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party
Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so
you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death,"
as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar,
including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you
slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all
have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear
me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources
Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
 
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