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Christmas Humor Category

Christmas Humor


The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night

The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?

And the kids these days - they all are the pits

They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them

They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason

I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!


'Twas The Night Before Y2K

'Twas the night before Y2K and, all through the nation,
We awaited the bug--the millennium sensation.

The chips were replaced in computers with care
In hopes that old "bugsy" wouldn't stop there.

While some folks would think they were snug in their beds,
Others had visions of dread in their heads.

And Ma, with her PC, and I, with my Mac
Had just logged on the 'net and kicked back with a snack.

When, over the server there arose such a clatter,
I called Mr. Gates to see what was the matter.

But he was away, so I flew like a flash...
Off to the bank to withdraw all my cash.

When what, to my wondering eyes, should I see--
My good old Mac looked sick to me.

The hack of all hackers was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be the Y2K bug.

His image downloaded in no time at all.
He whistled and shouted, "Let all systems fall!

Go Intel, go Gateway, now HP, Big Blue,
Go everything--Compaq and Pentium, too.

All processors big, all processors small...
Crash away, crash away, crash away all!"

All the controls the planes need for their flight,
All microwaves, trains, and all traffic lights.

As I drew in my breath and was turning around
Out from the modem he came with a bound,

He was covered in fur and, slung on his back
Was a sack full of virus, set for attack.

His eyes--how they twinkled, his dimples--how merry,
His midnight approach, though, soon became scary.

He had a broad little face and a round little belly
And a sack full of virus that quivered like jelly.

He was chubby and plump, perpetually grinning.
I laughed when I saw him, though my hard-drive stopped spinning.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know a new feeling of dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work.
He changed all the clocks, then turned with a jerk.

With a twitch of his nose and a quick little wink
All things electronic soon went on the blink.

He zoomed from my system to the next folks online.
He caused such a disruption; could this be a sign?

Then I heard him exclaim with a loud hearty cry,
"Happy Y2K to all, kiss your PC good-bye!"


Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.


12 Redneck Days of Christmas

12 pack of Bud
11 wrestling tickets
10 cans of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Redman
6 cans of Spam
5 Flannel Shirts
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and a part to a Mustang GT


Dear Santa...

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbours. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.

Sincerely,

Little Johnny


The Twelve Days of Christmas

DAY ONE:

Dearest Bob,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.

With deepest love and affection,

Violet


DAY TWO:

Dearest Bob,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two
turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
too adorable.

My everlasting love,

Violet


DAY THREE:

My Dear Bob,

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling,
but I must insist-you've been too, too kind.

All my love,

Violet


DAY FOUR:

Dear Bob,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE
beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too
romantic.

Love,

Violet


DAY FIVE:

Dear Bob,

What a marvellous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings.
One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell
you the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on
my nerves.

Affectionately,

Violet


DAY SIX:

Bob,

Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were
actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the
birds again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will
I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, rightfully so, and it is
impossible to sleep through this racket.

Now let this be the end of this.

Cordially,

Violet


DAY SEVEN:

Bob,

What the hell's with you and these fucking birds?!? Seven
swans-a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit
all over the house and they never stop with the racket.

Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very
unhappy.

Sincerely,

Violet


DAY EIGHT:

OK Pal ! !

WHAT IN THE SCREAMING HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING?
JESUS!!! I THINK I PREFER THE GODDAMN BIRDS! THE GODDAMN MAIDS-A-MILKING HAD TO BRING THEIR GODDAMN COWS. THERE IS COW SHIT ALL OVER MY LAWN AND BIRD SHIT ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET.

JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMARTASS.


DAY NINE:

LISTEN SHITHEAD ! !

YOU'RE A SADISTIC BASTARD! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT
YARD AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW SHIT. THIS AFTER CHASING
THOSE MAIDS ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE
POINT THAT THEY ARE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE GODDAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBOURS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME.

UP YOURS ! ! !


DAY TEN:

YOU ROTTEN PRICK ! ! !

NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE SLUTS
"LADIES". THEY'VE BEEN BALLING THOSE GODDAMN PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG.

NOW THE GODDAMN COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! EVERYTHING HAS TURNED TO A RIVER OF SHIT ! !

THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED.

I'M CALLING THE POLICE ! !

I MEAN IT. BY GOD !


DAY ELEVEN:

LISTEN FUCKHEAD ! ! ! !

NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THAT MANY MAIDS AND "LADIES."

THEY TOOK THOSE BROADS LIKE GRANT TOOK RICHMOND-- AND THEY WILL NEVER WALK EXACTLY RIGHT AGAIN. I WASN'T THE ONLY WITNESS, BY THE WAY.

THE "60 MINUTES" CAMERA CREW AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY TV.

FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE GODDAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE
TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET YOU ! ! ! !

I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FUCKING FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!

MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN


DAY TWELVE:

LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss
Violet Monica Habershan.

The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come
to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habershan at the
Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot
you on sight!

With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.


Season's Greetings
Money's Short
Times are Hard
Here's your Fucking
Christmas Card


Yet another... Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
everyone felt shitty
even the mouse
Mom at the whorehouse
and dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
for a nice piece of ass
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
to see what's the matter
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
it must be Saint Nick
He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
the old fucker fell
He filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer
He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart
the son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart
He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
piss on you all
and have a good night
Have A Nice Christmas, Asshole


Santa's Dilemma

A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away." Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know." The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay
for a while..."

Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know." The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay." Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know." She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...." Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!"


20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."


How to Tell if You're a Grinch

This is the second of the essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for your New Year's resolutions:

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbour's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbour's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Wal-Mart, or Kmart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth..

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car).

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably
wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has
arrived.


Christmas Physics

After many careful hours of painstaking research, I have compiled the most expansive physics experiment ever performed on Santa Claus. I hope you can give me the due credit when you show off your cute article. After all, it is my life, my thesis, my reason for existence on this blessed earth. Well, here is my inquiry into Santa Claus.

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there exists at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 of hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky
27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each good child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariable described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,00 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion -

If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.


Christmas Survival Quiz

In this holiday season, the presents are under the tree, the good feelings are flowing... then the criminals kick into high gear and you have to see your family. Every bit of good is offset with a little bit of bad. Can you thrive and survive this holiday season? Take this quiz and find out.

PART I: THE NIGHT BEFORE X-MAS

1: When up on the roof there arises such a clatter, you...

A. Jump out of bed shouting "Santa's here!"
B. Jump out of bed shouting "What the %&!@ was that?!"
C. Grab a shotgun and start firing toward the sound of footsteps.

2: Finish this famous line from a X-mas tradition: "On..."

A. "a gada da vida."
B. "top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese..."
C. "Cupid, on Comet, on Donder and Blitzen!"

3: By the way, what is a Blitzen?

A. An incredible drink with five kinds of rum.
B. Isn't it that thing they serve with jam at a deli?
C. A reindeer, stupid!

4: If a fat man in a red suit gives you a wink and twists his head, this means...

A. He's Santa!
B. He's got a facial tick!
C. He's gonna show you the candy cane he's got hidden in his pants!

5: How do you answer when the kids ask you when Santa will come?

A. About thirty minutes after Mrs. Claus says she's in the mood.
B. Ever since he got hired by Microsoft... Easter.
C. When all the little boys and girls are asleep.

PART II: A FAMILY KIND OF X-MAS

6: It's December 23 and you finally realize you'd better buy some gifts. What do you do?

A. Rush to the mall. Since everyone else shopped early it should be fairly empty, right?
B. Rush to McDonalds and buy every book of gift certificates they have.
C. Rush to the liquor store. You can't go wrong with vodka!

7: If you want to have a peaceful visit, the best topic to discuss with Dad is...

A. Why you don't believe in God anymore.
B. Politics.
C. The weather.

8: When Mom starts asking those questions you really don't want to answer, you...

A. Turn red, start shouting, and leave the house in a huff.
B. Say "oh look, an elf" and hide while she's distracted.
C. Lie and hope she's had so much spiked eggnog that she won't remember a thing in the morning.

9: The family's singing "Deck The Halls." When you get to "Don we now our gay apparel," your bachelor uncle starts crying, then admits that for the past seventeen years he's been secretly living with someone named Don who is all alone tonight. You...

A. Tell him to invite Don over to join in the festivities.
B. Try to protect him from your father who is loudly pronouncing that God will punish him!
C. Start a fire in the kitchen to take everyone's mind off it.

10: The videotape to rent for the big family get-together this X-mas is...

A. It's A Wonderful Life... because they expect it.
B. It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown... because it's the only video left in the store.
C. ID4... because all the kids will side with you and the adults will give in rather than hear them whine.

 

SCORING THE QUIZ:

As always, the scoring is simple. 1 point for every A, 3 for every B, and 5 for every C. Tally up your points and consult the chart below.

10-22 Points:

In the words of Mr. T., "I pity the fool" who gets this score. You're in for a bad X-mas. We're talking a riding in the black van in "Twister" kind of X-mas. Then again, X-mas is supposed to be the time for miracles, but I wouldn't count on it.

24-38 Points:

You remember question #6? Read answer C, then buy yourself a gift too. You're going to need it.

40-50 Points:

You're at or close to the right mixture of distrust and dishonesty that will help you have a safe and sane X-mas. Just remember this final simple rule to help you get through it... It's not the gift itself that counts, but whether or not they kept the receipt.


Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbours. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls you have leaving me a fucking yoyo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat prick, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave me that little quiff across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. Ill fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Poll, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT COCKSUCKER.

Sincerely,

Little Johnny


A little girl goes to see Santa Clause at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?". "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl. "But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says, "No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"


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