Classic Jokes III
A highly timid little man, ventured
into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,
which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking
meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing
out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the
quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man." "Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass." With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW
and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was
down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he
decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly
saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can
catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The
needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What
the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
Two guys and a union worker were
fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and
joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down
enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from
back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
Tom had this problem of getting up
late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at
him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So
Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it
before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in
the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to
A carpet installer decides to take a
cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of
several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he
begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed
carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy
pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He
decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be
Bubba was from the lower valley, and he decided he wanted to get married to his sweetheart. So, while enjoying some grits and gravy for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa. "Bubba, you can't get married yet," insisted Ma. "You're the baby of the family." "But Ma," Bubba protested, "I just had my 38th birthday last week." "We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed, "but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school."
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
Person turns on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message. She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?
Jones came into the office an hour
late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.
"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's
hear a good excuse for a change."
It was the day of the big sale.
Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the
main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in
front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the
line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.