Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say
to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each
other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim
for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. they
can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing
but sarcasm.
Ohhh, and my compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the
bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats'
ass. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change
for you.
I rubbed the lotion on my skin for a REASON!
Not as an after-dinner snack for you. The newspaper spread on the
floor is called accident paper... NOT habit paper! Also, I do not
need your help driving the car, never mind what you saw on
television!
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front
door.....
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our
pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for
money all the time, are easier to train. Usually come when called,
never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't
drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't
wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
Sincerely,
Your Owner
 
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