Dirty Jokes XII
A couple was invited to a swanky masked
Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to
go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but
she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not
going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after
sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was
still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her
husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she
was not with him.
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied
up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as
he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife,
bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey,
this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything
he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it
and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.'
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and
pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman
behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he
started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who
seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out
his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A
cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.
Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits. "I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard." "That's fine for you," huffed her friend, "but I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
A man got a job in the sales promotion department of a cola soft-drink company. When he asked about his duties, the manager explained. "Oh! It's an easy job! All you have to is call on ten women buyers every day, and knock Seven-Up!"
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Bruce comes home one day and says to his
lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck
up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes
up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all
around, and says, "I don't feel anything."
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was
in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand
with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition
appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to
write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper,
and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he
died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
The first grade teacher was starting a new
lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea
to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one
syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"
After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. "Great
Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another
word?" Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I
do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike
instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." Saturday says Mike.
"Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be
outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick