Dirty Jokes XIII
A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up fucking everybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose. One day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. So he decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother, "Mum, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!!" Mother said, "Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband-to-be. Here's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won't even notice it." So the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice.
This went on for a few months. Now, everytime the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!" Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, "Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it! What sould I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared, mum." Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!"
There was an Amish girl that had just come of age to date. Her mother was helping her get ready to go out that night. As she was about ready she put on some gloves, because it was to be cold that night,and the Amish still ride in buggies. Her mother asked, "why are you wearing gloves?" She continued by saying that it wasn't lady like to wear gloves. The Girl said to her mother, "its suppose to be cold tonight, what do I do with my hands if they get cold?" Her mother replied. "just stick your hands between your knees, and they will get warm." So the girl agreed. Her date picked her up and they went on there was. On their way home her hands got cold, so following her mother's orders, she stuck her hands between her knees. Her date looked over and said, "what on earth do you have your hands between your legs for?" She replied, " my mother told me that if my hands got cold, to stick them between my legs to get them warm." Her date said to her, " well my dick is frozen solid do you care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?" The girl said, "well I don't see any harm in it." So he did. After returning home from her date she asked her mother," What do you know about them there dicks?" Her mother said, "Why what do you know about dicks?" The girl looked at her mother and said, "All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess!"
Once upon a time in a land far away, a
beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog
as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an
unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster
and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer
and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah,
I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every
chicken you've got. No problem."
The woman had been away for two days visiting
a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy
greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was
playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room
with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed
and then daddy got on top of her..."
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a
class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid.
"This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you
have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
Two women had been having a friendly lunch
when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been
having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend.
"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I.
We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!",
responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how
A Doctor recently had a patient
"drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment.
"What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked. The aged
Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make
love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can
hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred!"
Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for. After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far...."
A man is telling a story... "I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three wood. I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.
That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room.
This guy goes into a whorehouse and tells the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time. She sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. She whips down her pants and he starts licking her twat. Minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet. Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out. Minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. Still thinking this is normal he continues. Soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up. "Excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She looks at him and replies "No, but the last guy was!"
The manager hired a new secretary. she was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention." The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"
An old lady is rocking away the last of her
days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a
sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her
that she will be granted three wishes.