Dirty Jokes XVII
The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a
race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to
be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's
the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,"
said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and
mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and
murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"
There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all." "Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
A young girl gets married and a few days later
her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find
her daughter standing naked at the front door. "What are you
doing!" insists her mother. "Mom, it's my love dress!
Don't you like it?" "I'll come back in a few weeks when
the honeymoon is over," replies her mother, as she turns and
leaves for the car.
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"
A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make it 100 then..."
John woke up one morning with an enormous
erection so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife,
Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs
preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil
things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and
asked him to bring it to his wife. The note read:
A man walked into a therapist's office looking
very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like
this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the
ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them
Two Amish women were picking potatoes one autumn day. The first Amish woman had 2 potatoes in her hands. She looked at the other woman and said, "these potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles", and the other woman said "are his testicles that big?" , no she commented, "they're that dirty".
A major Hollywood star decided to do a charity
dinner and invited hundreds of people to take part. To make it
interesting, the host decided to make it a costume party with the
theme of emotions. So that night, the first couple came to the front
door, dressed in all blue. "You were supposed to dress up as an
emotion" states the doorman. "We are dressed in all blue
because we picked the sad emotion." Thinking it over, the
doorman decided that was good enough. The next couple comes up to
the door dressed in all red clothing "Sorry, you needed to
dress up in a costume tonight!", to which the couple reply,
"We are, our red clothes symbolize we are angry. Besides, you
let the other couple before us in." Again, the doorman agrees
to let them in.
Jon left for a two day business trip to
Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he
realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned
around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door,
walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast
dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.
This guy is banging this girl, the girl asks, "You haven't got aids have you?" He replies, "No." She responds, "Oh, thank fuck for that! I don't want to get that again!"
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking STARVING!"
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"