Dirty Jokes XVIII
While in the playground with his friend,
Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny
watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little
Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it
for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope."
"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom
the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his
watch to get rid of me.
Doctor: "Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS." Husband: "How can we find out which?" Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don't fuck her."
Two pedophiles were walking down
the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey
knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and
goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl." The other grabs
them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ...
Definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them
smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!",
"No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an
eight-year-old!" .... and so on. The local priest is walking
past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the
commotion is all about.
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"
The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him, and the rescuers are shocked. He says, "You can't judge me for this. I had to survive." The leader of the rescue team says, "But Jesus Christ, man... your plane only went down yesterday."
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty
rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about
how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and
pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and
says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and
set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my
teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's
office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination, the
doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get
better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, it's really bad
whenever it rains," she replies. "Well, then," says
the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll
take another look at it."
If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad!
A pirate walks off his ship. He
has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye.
He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the
seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and
ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
A city boy wanted to marry a
country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand
in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to ask her father. "I
want to marry your daughter". "Well, my boy you will have
to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter."
"I'll do anything for my love" says the young man.
A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" the other replies, "GREAT trade!"
Important Press Release: The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant. In the light of this they have now renamed it as: 'Y2KY Jelly'. Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our product, is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two"
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."
A husband and wife go visit a marriage
counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The
counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what
seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my
husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he
continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For
20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things.
First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and
refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."