Dirty Jokes XXXI
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their
25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered
the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very
short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet
objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do
business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom.
She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it.
We'll go have a drink, then eat
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner." "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
Two drunks are standing at a whorehouse door. The first drunk says, "I heard half these broads have the clap and that none of them would think twice about stealing every penny we've got." The second drunk says, "Not so loud, or they won't let us in."
The mortician calls Mrs. Banley, and says, "Excuse me Mrs. Banley, but I can't seem to close the lid to your husband's coffin because he has a huge erection." To which she replies, "Why don't you cut it off and stick it up his ass? That's the only hole in town it hasn't been in."
A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way. So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."
I've never gone to bed with an ugly man, but I've woken up with a few.
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends
house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are
you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not
supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.
"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little
girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do
is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has
everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
"I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks,
"How did you find that out?"
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."
A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?" She says, "Anything you want." He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?" She says, "But I thought you hated Larry." With his last breath, he says, "I do."
Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat. Ed says " What should we do?" Bill says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help." So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, "Help me get him in the boat." They wrestle Fred back into the boat. Ed says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's breathing." Bill says, "Give him mouth to mouth." Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath." Bill says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."
Patient: "Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a
lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."
The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up." The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?" The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "What did you decide?" He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen."
Mr. Geraldo says to his doctor, "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing in a row." The psychiatrist says, "Now hold on, Mr. Geraldo. That doesn't sound so terrible." Mr. Geraldo says, "Oh, yeah? I was the third girl from the end."
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for
advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get
out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby
dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully.
After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she
was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she
had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and
didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and
said, "Scooby dooby
This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest woman he has ever seen, blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, let me get it for you... I didn't realize you had a prescription."