Dirty Jokes XXXIV
A young woman was having a physical examination and
was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last
bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess
I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't
feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some
minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see
how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who
entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his
pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the
friend asked, "You look fine to me."
Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of
fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and
called, "What've you got in your truck?"
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to
know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and
have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she
asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the
back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse
took the money and flew to Italy.
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure
your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have
a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine,
and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve
the pressure is to remove the testicles."
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get
married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a
confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is
because she is very flat chested.
A young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz "behind my back I've got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?" she asked. "an apple" replied little Raymond "no," said the teacher " it's a tomato but it shows your thinking." "I've now got something round, a greenish colored you can eat it." "An apple," replied little Ian "No it's an onion, but it shows your thinking." Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says "I've got something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end." "Dirty little boy," said the teacher "No it's a match, but it shows you were thinking," he answered.
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
A famous pilot was having dinner with a brunette and when they finished they headed to a hotel. He calls room service and asked for a bottle of red wine. When it arrived he put some red wine on the brunettes lips and started kissing her. She asks what the red wine is for and he replies, "For when I have red meat - I have red wine." "Oooohh" she says. A little while later the pilot jumps back onto the phone and orders some white wine. It arrives moments later, he splashes it on her rack and starts kissing her tits. She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, "For when I have white meat - I have white wine." Eventually he works his way down to her cunt, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff and lights it on fire. "Aaahhhhhhh, why the fuck did you do that!?!" she yells. The pilot replies, "For when I go down, I want to go down in flames."
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." ...and drives off.
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when
he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious
old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your
A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
The science teacher stood in the front of the class
and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what
would it be?"