Dirty Jokes XXXVI
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long
johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly
into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back
out into a torrential downpour.
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching
TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and
says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for
a little while."
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a
beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a
man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and
began reading a book.
This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me". He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone". The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy "It's not that bad. You can get out of this." The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says "Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.
Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt." The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you." The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out." The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk." She says " Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt." He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself" She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a $10 bill" He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too".
A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and
takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was
busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he
got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks
the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer,
which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about
serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers.
He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a
couple more. "The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of
the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued,
and he asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?"
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken
dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter
comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see,
that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular
customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is,
this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this
dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine
for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing
it with him.
A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds." Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of 'wow!' are heard. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the baby weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.' The bartender is puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.' The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, 'Had him circumcised.'
One day a single mother was in the grocery store with her 4 kids. They were acting up. Bad little kids. They were running around grabbing items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place. The mother grabbed all and said "I should of swallowed all of you!"
The difference between having Guts and having
A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a
vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came
to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the
look". Whispering under her breath, the wife says "No darling, we can't
do it here, our kid is watching!" Husband replies, "You're right, lets
go to the beach."
Late one night a woman was walking home when a man
grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes.
A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?" Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?" Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands. He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand... The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?" The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."