A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he
can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to
see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just
eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a
veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend
returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull
has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even
serviced all my neighbor's cows! "Wow," says his friend, "what did the
vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer. "What
kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste
like peppermint."
There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two
Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song
on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she
erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two
Lips and Seven Kisses?"
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have
two nuts and seven inches!"
So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"
To which the man replied, "No, its average!"
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day
complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does
everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I
told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She
gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her
to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24
enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh
my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to
prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped
around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the
doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by
accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate,
I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and
that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked,
"What mistake was that?"
"I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some
distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker
and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did
their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the
window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi
driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
A man went into a store and began looking around.
He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He
asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"
"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied
sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or
not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a
detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and
subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.
"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How
much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right
now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"
What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the
officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about
something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or
death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam
five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna
sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one
of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I'm not horny,
I'm homesick."
A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl
behind the counter says, "What size?"
He says, "I don't know."
She holds up a finger and says, "That big?"
He says, "Bigger."
She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?"
He says, "Smaller?"
She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."
She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."
An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.
He replied, "Wife Name - Three Horse."
"That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it
mean?"
"It's an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag."
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his
company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the
drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he
got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did
something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees
that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the
house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note
hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on
it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for
me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm
married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38.
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to
have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he
didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and
a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a
couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he
now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my
farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't
carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this
alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and
have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon
of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly
hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the
barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The
barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while
a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had
ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said,
"Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the
difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
A young girl gets married and a few days later her
mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see
her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Mom, it's
my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when
the honeymoon is over" replies the mom.
When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is
naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the
marriage spicy!"
Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband
comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she
give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress!
What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I
think you should have ironed it!"
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual
death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.
Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the
family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died
of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really
was."
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you
marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account,
a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's
as dumb as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you
a mansion on Long Island."
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have
sex.
About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to
hang it on the wall.
He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the
hammer.
The guy says, "Get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some
nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and
he yells, "Fuck!"
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the
barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a
close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber
taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this
between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the
closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the
client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does."
A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London.
He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her
pants and her panties.
He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"
She says, "It's me lower mouth."
He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"
She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a
moustache... It's got lips..."
He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"
She says, "Not yet. . ."
Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding
marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the
shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of
wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left... The phone
rings at Billy Bob's house:
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for
dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was
too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the
house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the
husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on
the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
"I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole
wide world could wake hime up now."
"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you
and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of
his asshole and see if that wakes him."
Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her. When he
finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she
tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled
a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight
times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first
pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered:
"Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for
Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"
 
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