A married couple have been stranded on a
deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on
shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away,
but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any
hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second
man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing
eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing
12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do
the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the
couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire
to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no
screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone
circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no
screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not
screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of
their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down,
"Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not
screwing!"
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the
tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before
the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out
from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES
look like they're screwing.
Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full
medical.
After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the
following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45
year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds
overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you
diet now to save any complications in later years."
She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second
opinion".
"OK" he says, "you're fucking ugly as well!"
Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man
is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his
mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite
program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a
peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only
in forcing the thing in awfully
deep.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to
the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their
daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's
studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He
then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and
low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get
drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.
"So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become
after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"
"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his
fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits
down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man
and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't
read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous
customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and
picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and
hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes
in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed
potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks
towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he
tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and
leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner
mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I
didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner
again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells
great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again
walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is
screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the
blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but
this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He
tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I
take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband
the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and
waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I
already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the
fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't
know that Mary worked here?"
A husband and wife were having difficulty
surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try
prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out
to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the
building if she had any questions or problems.
A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all
the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to
ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She
went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That's
too much!" He then asked, "How much for a handjob?"
She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.
The husband said "Ask for $40." The woman ran back and
informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and
began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his
clothing the woman noticed that the man was well hung.
She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner
again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife
replied "Can I borrow $60?"
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and,
for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the
police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes,
including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up
in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in
the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was
frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked
curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing
to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that
some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up
for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I�ll
have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the
back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line,
questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the
end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you�re so old... how
do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove
my dentures and suck �em dry!"
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only
open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with
his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out
a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed.
"Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert
visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners
knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we
save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented,
"Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string
hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same
Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our
hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string
is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do
my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself,
there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your
penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the
spoon."
Two parents take their son on vacation and go
to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son
goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his
mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot
bigger than yours!"
The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber
they are!"
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to
play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his
mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger
than Daddy's!"
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to
play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his
mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the
dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he
got!"
A couple were married and, following the
wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I
want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted.
"And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a
decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you
otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with
my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said.
"Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just
understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night...
whether you're here or not."
A husband is visiting his wife in hospital
where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he
decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. While
doing so, the wife lets out a sigh. Pleasantly surprised, the
husband runs out and tells the doctor.
"That is a good sign," suggests the doctor, "Why
don't you try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any
reaction."
The husband returns to his wife's bedside and rubs her right breast
which brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out again and tells the
doctor. The doctor thinks this is amazing and could perhaps be a
real break through. The doctor then suggests the man return to her
bedside and perform oral sex.
More than happy to accommodate, the husband returns to his wife's
bedside to do his deed. Some five minutes later, the husband comes
running from his wife's bedside screaming for the doctor.
"What's going on?" asks the doctor.
The husband yells, "My wife stopped breathing!"
"What happened?" asks the doctor. "Everything seemed
to be looking good a few minutes ago."
The husband replies, "She choked."
Farmer Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand
new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over
to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time to
retire." The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these
chickens, look what it did to me!" The young rooster replies:
"Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for
the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!"
The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two
old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you." The
young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm
taking over!" The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says
to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll
have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race
gets full domain over the chicken coop." The young rooster
smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be
fair, I'm even going to give you a head start." The two
roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks
"Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5
seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the
front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the
old rooster and gaining fast. Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch,
hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he
grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to
smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust:
"Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this
week."
A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who
was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off,
she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor.
While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor
remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed
his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.
When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The Following
conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said,
"Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between
my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?
Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or
something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder
if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this
morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he
should have commented!
Daughter: I don't have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the
toilet. I used some before the appointment...
Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!
A boy was walking down the street when he
noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with
nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you
doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance
and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting
out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The
old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat
out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your
Grandma's idea."
  
|
|
