Lots of Jokes - Dog Jokes

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs? A: Right where you left him.

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit. A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that! The blind man retorted, I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass!

You know you've grown up when you feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

Q: What does a woman do sitting down, a man do standing up and a dog do on three legs? A: They shake hands!

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Do we really need doggie sweaters? Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it until you walk across your living room rug. Especailly since you don't even have a dog!

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs? Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

You might be a Redneck if your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.

You might be a Redneck if your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive? A: Because it scares the dog.

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads ?Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please?. The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake! To which the guy responds, Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!

PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing milkbone underwear!!!

Bad Pick-up Line: I'd even marry your dog just to be related to you.