The art of farting is practiced by many,
perfected by few. Perfecting the art of farting is a somewhat long,
difficult but rewarding road to travel down. It is the symphony of
foods and body function that causes this reaction we all long to
occur. This guide teaches you the methods and mind set used by some
of the worlds leading fartology organizations.
1. Your mood will play a major role in farting. Having an "I can't do
it!" frame of mind will not accomplish anything. When it comes down
to those final moments when its release or hold time, you just have
to repeat again and again, "Just let it happen... its ok..."
2. Diet is another heavy influencer. If you're a grazer (or
vegetarian as they preferred to be called) you're partly on your way.
If you're older and are using shit assistance substances such as
prune juice, you too have a good start. The real winners are your
average North American men. Statistically Sunday is prime time
nation wide for fart releases. Not only fart releases, but the cream
of the crop, wake up the neighbours farts. Why is this? Have a look
at the diet of a typical American male aged between 20 and 30
watching football on TV... Peanuts, chips, beer, can someone say,
fart city? Its about evaluating your diet, removing the foods that
don't assist farting, and focusing on the ones that do.
3. Important, yet largely unexplored scientifically is the fart
event position and location. These two variables can make or break a
fart taking it from a stellar world class event, down to an
unmentionable discouragement. Try telling a world class pianist that
they must perform standing, or telling a tuba player he must lay
down during their performance. Farting is no different, it requires
positioning that best maximizes the bodies ability to expel gas.
Location of the fart event sets the scene and adds emotions such as
amusement (elevator farts), excitement (bus farts) and challenge
(church farts). Lets travel forth and delve into the world of
position and location...
Leg Lift "Elevator" Position
Standing upright with a slight curve to the back, lift either leg
(almost like doing the jig, except with your leg off to the side -
never to the front) and allow the fart event to occur. This one is
by far the most popular. Ranked best position for elevator farts for
its ability to expel farts quickly and accurately between floors.
The signature of a leg lifter in an elevator is the smile of glee on
their face as they exit, as you unknowingly enter.
Pros: Amusement of only being able to guess how many floors
the unknowing new occupants must endure. High buildings that you
will most likely not visit again are a bonus.
Cons: After a successful execution of the fart, you leave the
elevator and the unknowing others enter, which is fine. However, you
realize you are on the wrong floor and must re-enter the same
elevator. Truly a bad call.
"Imperial" Throne Position
Just a reminder that your mind associates this position with a lack
of bodily control. This one involves sitting, squatting or bending
down into a huddled position. Some of the worlds most fermented and
catastrophic farts were achieved using this very position. Think of
it as a game of leap frog, but without the leaping (or at least
Pros: Incredible leverage, captures the true potential of the
Cons: Similar to when taking a shit, which could confuse mind
and cause "dyer" consequences. This one in the car in a new suit on
route to a job interview is not recommended.
Wal-Mart Fart Position
There have been so many reports of this position and its success of
creating "brown air" that have won it accolades world wide. Shop as
you normally would at Wal-Mart. Locate a desired purchase (at least
the weight of say, a clothes detergent box) at the bottom shelf in
an unoccupied isle. As you are lifting the heavy load in a squatting
position, let the magic happen. You will be pleasantly surprised. At
first you may point out the similarities to the throne position, but
you will be in awe by what the additional weight load achieves. Weight
lifters doing squats after a heavy meal know how well weight can
affect fartage potency and volume.
Pros: Due to the narrow, almost encapsulating design of the
isles, farts can remain lingering for hours after initial
production. Many more people can enjoy their shopping due to your
efforts versus the leg lift position.
Cons: Eager and usually frantic discount shoppers change
isles with a furor only matched by 9am shoppers at a department
store boxing day blow out sale. This can result in a by standard
surprise attack and the very terrible mission abort consequence.
Lean your hands onto a counter top or table (or if available,
hang onto your towel rack) while arching your back. If this is
difficult for you to visualize, think back to your last visit to the
car repair shop. Similar to the "ass pounding" position you take
when getting the quote to have your car's transmission replaced.
Power arching is excellent for "customer service" counters at
department stores; local Radio Shack stores when reaching over and examining an
expensive and ridiculous keychain that has a flashlight, time
telling in 12 languages, compass and calculator all in one; a
supermarket you do not usually visit.
Pros: The arching of the back allows your power conduit to be
fully utilized. Less conspicuous than the Throne Position.
Cons: A warning to people with small houses or apartments:
power arching in the small confines of a room in your house has been
known to cause carpet, wall and even ceiling damage. Even more so,
lasting damage to newly blossoming relationships with girlfriends
and not so blossoming marriages.
All positions and locations have their pros and cons, it is the duty
of an aspiring fart master to leverage the situations and
environments available to him or her. With a bit of thoughtful
planning you can start off the day with some power arching in the
library; do a bit of leg lifting at the food court for lunch; and
wind up the day with an all out assault on your senses with a
satisfying throne position fart in the car on the way home.
Remember, its all about position, location and a "can-do" attitude!
"Farting Guide" Copyright
2002 Visca Corporation. All rights reserved.