An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”
The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”
"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware
technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is
driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have
failed and the car is accelerating out of control.
"What time does the library open?" the
man on the phone asked.
One day, Satan was out for a walk
through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the
Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair,
and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan
approached the man and asked:
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for
swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down
to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he
neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he
came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end of the pond.
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The
next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying
and broke and made
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family
are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a
dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and
the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're
hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to
learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few
weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the
piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly
conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the
memory clinic you went to last month?"
Two brothers jointly owned a business and both were wise in worldly ways. While dying, one brother instructed his sibling to put half of their combined wealth into the grave with the casket. The brother reluctantly agreed. In time his brother died. At the graveside ceremony the living brother wrote a check for half of their assets and placed it in the casket.
For years Dr. Benson had left his office and gone to Teddy's Bar, where Teddy would fix him a daiquiri laced with crushed pecans. One day, however, Teddy ran out of pecans; instead he substituted hickory nuts. Dr. Benson sat down and took a sip under Teddy's watchful eyes; he frowned. "Say, Teddy, this isn't an almond daiquiri. Just what is it?" "I can't lie to ya," Teddy said. "It's hickory daiquiri, Doc."
In this life I'm a woman.
A woman woke up one morning to find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on her African plantation. She quickly phoned the local game warden, who arrived minutes later. In one hand he held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a fierce Doberman pinscher. As they walked to the tree, the warden explained, "What's going to happen is that I go up the tree, throw the gorilla out, and the dog clamps his teeth on the gorilla's balls." The woman nodded and was surprised when he handed her the gun. "You know how to use this?" he asked. "I do," she said, "but what's it for?" The warden replied, "Well ..... sometimes the gorillas are pretty tough and throw me out of the tree. If that happens, I want you to do one thing." "Shoot the gorilla?" "No," he answered, "the dog."
An accountant dies and goes to heaven. He reaches
the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and
chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and
says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking
forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the
waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the
doctor came in looking tired and somber.
Two cops were parked on the side of a busy highway
waiting to nab individuals throwing litter out their car windows. One car
drove by and threw out some garbage but the traffic was too thick to allow
the cops an opportunity to pull out and haul the car over.
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."