A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a
Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head
and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A
few days later he received a parcel with the following note.
* * * * * * * * * *
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
* * * * * * * * * *
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he
receives another parcel and a note, which says:
* * * * * * * * * *
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
* * * * * * * * * *
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company
another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel
and a note which reads:
* * * * * * * * * *
Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your
bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
Dear Doctor,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are
numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child
each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are
absolutely useless.
After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst
trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured
myself doing the Cha-cha.
My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were
living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe
period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love
while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors,
but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the
way.
Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this
would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife
jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even
knocked herself unconscious.
I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to
use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't
surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can
prevent a baby.
My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful
attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and
my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.
The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not
interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a
severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too
tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we
realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between
her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did
work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child
resulted.
You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I
shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking
about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.
Yours faithfully,
Ray Jackson
Dear Abby,
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.
I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls."
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Taylor Made 460 driver.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA Superstore?
Signed...
Concerned Golfer
Three sons left home, went out on their own and
prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our
mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third
smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed
reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a
remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the
church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name
the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote
one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of
the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so
rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to
know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
 
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