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Man Gives Up On Women
April 10, 2003 - Atlanta, USA
Atlanta native auto mechanic Michael Ross publicly declares that he has
given up the life long struggle to figure out what women really want.
This came after a recently published report estimating American
corporations had spent over $1 billion dollars in 2001 to determine
what want women want from their products and marketing, and had largely
failed. "If combining rooms full of highly skilled experts and
truckloads of money can't figure these women out, how on earth is the
typical blue collar man with $28,000 after tax dollars a year supposed
to?" said Mr. Ross during an interview with Atlanta news reporters. "It
may be that these women themselves have no idea what they are looking
for or what will win them over. Many admit to having the exact same
qualities in one man be endearing, while in another, off-putting." Mr.
Ross's web site has generated over 32,000 letters of support from other
men in its guest book since his announcement earlier in the day.
Owner of Perfect House Lives in Car
September 18, 2002 - Baltimore, USA
In fear of possibly disturbing the perfection that is his house,
Donald Manison has been forced to live in his 1998 Dodge Caravan. �I
became obsessive, everything in the house was so photo-perfect that I
was eventually scared of walking on the carpet in fear that I might
disturb the direction of the carpet threads.� Magazines wanting a
glimpse and photos of the perfect house were limited to viewing through
opened ground floor windows. When asked how long he will continue his
present lifestyle he replied, �If living in my mini-van is payment for
a perfect house, I�m willing to pay.�
Elderly Man Sued
for Stopping at Stop Sign
September 9, 2002 - Atlanta, USA
In a case possibly first of its kind, 67 year old Arthur Thompson is
being sued by 32 year old Lynn Manaouski for stopping at a 4-way stop
sign. In her statement she described how she came up to the
intersection leading into her downtown condo, and rear ended the driver
in front of her due to his 'complete and full stop'. She continues to
say that of the almost 2 years of living in that particular condominium
complex, she had not once been behind someone who had made a full stop
at the stop sign, and that his inability to be 'consistent with typical
driving patterns' caused the accident. As a result, she is convinced
that Mr. Thompson is directly responsible for the accident and should
be held accountable for all incurred costs of repair to both vehicles.
When reminded that it is the law to make a complete stop at a stop
sign, her abrupt response was "I am quite capable of deciding when it
is a good or bad time to stop my vehicle."
Worlds Cheapest
Tip
September 1, 2002 - Arkansas, USA
An Arkansas primary school teacher has been declared the worlds
cheapest tipper after ordering more than $250 worth of food and drinks
for his wife and self and leaving a 5 rupee tip. Rupee, an Indian
currency, is worth approximately 0.02 of an American dollar. When
questioned the man replied, "I had just returned from a trip to India
and I had mistaken the coins for more valuable American currency."
Relaying this to the offended waitress she responded, "His excuse is
weak, since when would you be cracking out foreign coins (that do not
even resemble American money) as a tip for a $250 dollar dinner? There
is no way with a bill like that you would use coins to tip at the
customary 10%-15%, and even tipping at something like 3% would still
need bills. His tip wasn't even a percent!"
Man
Sues Coffee Shop for Ice Mocha Mishap
August 26, 2002 - Michigan, USA
After spilling an iced coffee beverage
onto his lap while driving from a local coffee shop drive-through a
Michigan man is now suing the shop for $800,000 in damages and mental
anguish. The man claimed it was a "traumatic experience" that has
negatively altered his life in many ways. He claims that he was unaware
of the frigid temperature of his Ice Mocha or he would have taken
better precautions with handling the beverage. The coffee shop owner
said during our interview, "Anyone who doesn't know the temperature of
a drink that has the word 'ice' in its name has much more important
things to worry about than a moment of discomfort due to his own
negligence. He sustained no physical harm, there were no damages to his
vehicle or possessions except a brown stain on his pants, which I am
sure is something he is used to."
Man
Arrested for Sexually Assaulting Female Manikin
August 19, 2002 - Georgia, USA
A man resembling a giant kid was arrested Thursday for sexually
assaulting a manikin at a women�s fashion outlet store. Store clerks
describe how the man made several trips past the manikin, and then went
up onto the podium where he commenced to fondle the manikin�s breasts.
When questioned about the incident, he said "I couldn't help it, she
had the nicest set of tits I�ve seen in a long time."
Impolite Movie Goer Beaten To Death
August 12, 2002 - Michigan, USA
Movie enthusiast Brad Densley was admitted to the emergency room
of a local Michigan hospital Thursday evening, and was later pronounced
dead. This was after being brutally beaten in a movie theatre for
answering his mobile phone during a pivotal moment in the movie's plot.
Right away the whimsical monotone song the cell phone rang to
immediately started people hissing and moving around in their seats.
"As soon as I heard Jingle Bells from across the theatre in mid August,
I wanted to hurt someone." said one audience member with a notable look
of anger and hatred in his face. But when Mr. Densley then answered the
phone, began talking pleasantries in an almost normal voice and
proceeded to relay a shopping list to his wife, the audience went
absolutely nuts. "It was when he started with the shopping list and he
got down to the third item which was, I dunno, milk or something. I
really wanted to stick that phone up his ass. Everyone started plowing
over rows of seats to get to the guy and ring his neck, including
myself." commented one person involved in the beating. "From the moment
I saw him in the front lobby I knew he was an arrogant loser from his
ill coordinated NY Yankees hat and LA Lakers t-shirt." Stated one man
who was able to get a few kidney shots into Mr. Densley before leaving
the theatre in disgust on Thursday. When interviewing the wife of Mr.
Densley she stated, "This sort of thing has happened before and each
time I was beyond embarrassed. But I never thought it would escalate
from minor fist fights and kicking matches to the point where he looses
his life. I am disappointed that the theatre staff looked the other way
and did nothing to prevent my husband's death, with one usher in fact
joining in on the beatings." Six men and two women were later charged
and sentenced to appear in court, eleven others were issued warnings.
Airlines Take Cost Cutting to New Lows
August 5, 2002 - Mississippi, USA
In an effort to cut costs, major airlines are resorting to
cutting back even the smallest of items to curb expenditures. One in
particular is the removal of barf bags on flights commencing August.
"Annual savings are expected to exceed $450,200US", stated investor
relations manager Carol Bauer, "The small percentage who actually use
them are increasing ticket prices for the rest." But outraged motion
sickness prone travelers had a less enthusiastic view of the matter. "I
guess I will just have to hurl onto the meal tray. Frankly, based on my
last flight, I don't think the Saut�ed Pork and vegetable melody will
look much different if I did." said one angry traveler. When the
airlines were asked what they expected passengers to do in the event of
motion sickness they replied, "Users of our planes who are prone to
such sensitivities should bring with them preventative medicines and
appropriate containers, we are not operating a flying hospital."
Man
Never Misses Trip To Gym For 5 Years
July 29, 2002 - Florida, USA
In an attempt to force himself into a healthy routine of exercise,
a Florida man hired a hit man to kill him if he failed to show up to
any of his 3 weekly workouts for the past 5 years. "At first I thought
the ridiculous membership fees and that ludicrous up front joining fee
would make me workout so I wouldn't waste the money - but that didn't
work. Within weeks I was coming up with all sorts of lame pathetic
excuses not to go. So I decided that if money wouldn't promote me to
go, losing my life would. The hit man idea has worked like a charm,
maybe even too good. There were some times that I truly would have
preferred not to go, like that time I had bronchial asthmatic
pneumonia. I've never had so much dark green mucus running down my face
in my life, you should have seen that treadmill afterwards. But with
all its ups and downs, my only complaint lately is that what I
originally thought were expensive gym fees have been over shadowed by
the high cost of the hit man. Now that I want to stop, I can't because
I told him to shoot me if I told him I wanted to give up."
Publisher Releases Guide to Kicking Cats
July 25, 2002 - USA
The 45 page colour instructional book entitled "Kicking Cats"
guides men through the process of kicking cats down flights of stairs
without repercussions from their spouse or girlfriends. "It isn't as
easy as one would think to successfully do and get away with", comments
author John Moore. "I was caught numerous times by my at the time
girlfriends and eventually became determined to develop a fail-proof
process. This book represents years of studying, practicing, research
and an estimated 150 test cats. At first I was somewhat alarmed by my
dislike for cats, when considering how much my girlfriends and ex-wife
liked them. But after talking to scores of other men about my pent up
feelings of anger towards cats, I realized I was far from alone. That
is why the introduction goes into great detail about the history of cat
kicking and some of the current theories on men's hatred of cats. The
secret to a successful kick is to first befriend the cat, building its
trust in you. It is when the cat is truly relaxed and comfortable
around you that you can then angle it towards the stair case for a
mighty punt."
Pope visits Lake Simcoe
July 22, 2002 - Ontario, Canada
Not only is it part of the Popes job to visit many parts of the
globe, but it is also his passionate goal to see as many places as he
can in his life time. When questioned, as to what brought him to Lake
Simcoe he replied "Well, I have been everywhere on my 'must see' list;
'could be nice' list; 'well, what the hey' list and 'its so cheap I
can't afford not to' list, now I'm basically going through all the
places I really never wanted to go to."
AOL Advert Campaign Actor Dies of Boredom
July 22, 2002 - California, USA
Jeffery Goldstein, the actor whose embarrassing line "I love
when it says 'You've got mail', won him enemies the world over, passed
away last night due to extreme unbelievable boredom. When questioning
his mother about her son she stated, "What he said in the ad was
actually true, he would spend hours a day signing up for spam lists,
newsletters, write e-cards to himself and even post messages on
bulletin boards asking others to spam his email address just so he
could hear that retched 'You've got mail'". His mother continued on to
explain the cause of the death, "But when the speakers attached to his
computer stopped working last night, a few hours after the last 'You've
got mail', he slipped into a boredom induced death spiral. The doctor
said the symptoms of his death are similar to thousands others who were
listening to the latest Celine Dion album."
Lack of Talent Contest Being
Held for Next Batch of Mac Commercials
July 22, 2002 - New York, USA
Apple's new "Switch" television ad campaign, featuring people who
didn't quite know what to do with a Windows based PC that moved to that
Mac platform, will continue into the summer season. In order to find
actors similarly dense and ignorant to the ones featured in the first
batch of commercials, Apple will be holding a Lack of Talent contest.
Campaign producer Ted Zielchman commented, "All of the actors we were
getting from the talent agencies were too intelligent, and these are
people who are usually rejected based on lack of intelligence, so we
are faced with a unique problem. I believe though, based on the
applicants for the contest so far, we have some likely candidates. Some
were unable to even spell their name and had that 'not so bright look
on their face' - consistent with the first batch of actors we used. The
first batch were easy to find, we visited the local district Mac Club.
After that we simply had a hard time finding anyone willing to admit
being an Apple user."
Original material �Copyright 2002-2003 Visca
Corporation. All rights reserved. Lots of Jokes News Articles are for
amusement purposes only, not intended as an actual news service. News
articles, events and people are fictitious and resemblance to real
people is strictly coincidental. Articles are not a reflection on any
actual real events they may be based on.
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