Plumber:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blow out."
Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no
charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be
satisfactory?"
At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these
signs."
On an electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."
On maternity room door:
"Push, Push, Push."
At an optometrists office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the
right place."
On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."
On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment."
Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
Outside a hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just
left."
In a veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if
you don't you will be."
On the door of a computer store:
"Out for a quick byte."
In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed
up."
Inside a bowling alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a counsellors office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
At a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the
manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
--Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
"38 years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed."
In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."
In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
workmanship."
At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee:
"Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In a Maine restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."
On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place to take a leak."
In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light
is extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
graves."
On a roller coaster:
"Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school:
"No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway:
"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise
untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not
throw stones at this sign."
 
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