GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I
GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION...
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are
gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and
have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and
doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a
dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches
itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and
whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog...
"Killer, come here! I
said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a
cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be
framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only suks
on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled
pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El
Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard
one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full
aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe
Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial
sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth,
you've had a man there,
too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types
of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your
ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember
all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the
Major
league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out
chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you
can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're
dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the
wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest
of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a
hamburger, hold
his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous
le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is
with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the
above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in
SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to
fags when they Flame out too.
 
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