Well it's been 29 years since Consumer's
Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have
changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for
girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided
another report was needed.
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a
girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part,
dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an
intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just
lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the
first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how
much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your
physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have
a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have
the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand,
if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices
are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when
considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that
a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice;
due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will
actually *increase* with time.
Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get
or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly
determined by your age, as shown in the following table:
Your age Used or New
|1 - 12 Years
||(See note A)
|13 - 16
|17 - 21
||Used, but not
|22 - 35
|36 - 60
||New, (See note
||(See note A)
A. Seek psychiatric help
B. Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise,
New girlfriends have the advantage
that they have no previous bad
experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will
old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on
other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial
worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much
average mileage (2.1 SO's / yr). Much greater than the average may
indication that the girlfriend was a professional.
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern
loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such
large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only
to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with
the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you
make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others
(such as a
large bosom) must be factory installed.
The Test Ride
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test
begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range
from the simple if
dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip
("dance with me or
I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade,
and I want to leap
you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll
look better." Once
on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The
questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the
detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or
Ordering vs. On The Lot
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and
wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option.
however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live
in), and CU
questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to
factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test
selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were
at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a
kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns
the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each
according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor,
initiative, looks, and performance.
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within
category, variation is not statistically significant.
Goddess: This is the woman
of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the
options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue
of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand
mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or
hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually
Goddess-in-law: This model
is similar to the goddess, but comes with
contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful
alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate
Ms. Right: The best
all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has
most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the
or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term
Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found
Babe: This is the flashy,
fully-loaded variety with all the options.
Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy.
suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for
long-term girlfriend needs.
Friend: The model with the
most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be
caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on
Yeah, Her: The Ford Escort
of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a
girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to
or unreliable, or have a dull finish.
Until you find her, we at CU wish you