Investment Guide

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people, but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street.

3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker: the pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with an investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria - if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.

7. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds' I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.