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Latest Jokes |
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What do you call an elephant in a phone box? Stuck. What do ghosts use to phone home? A terror-phone. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a telephone. Doctor: Why's that? I keep getting calls in the night. At three o'clock one morning a veterinary surgeon was woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the phone. "I'm sorry if I woke you," said a voice at the other end of the line. "That's all right," said the vet, "I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway." Where is Pinocchio's website? On the splinternet. If doors have a website shouldn't windows have one too? We'd better, or it will be curtains for us. Our website should have more colour, more games, more sound! Look, what more do you want? Blood? What did the hypnotist say when he got his own website.... Hyp, Hyp Hooray. What did the maths homework website say to the geometry website? Boy do we have problems. What did you think of our website? A little bit tacky. What do builders use to make websites? Com.crete. How did the flea learn to use the internet? He had to start from scratch. Have you got the address of the butter website? Yes, but don't spread it around. I can't find a shark website.... That's cos you're dum dum, dum dum, dum dum, dumb...... A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus. I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man. Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for a divorce on the grounds that her husband "beats her." The Judge, wanting every detail asked how often it was he beat the woman. "Every damn time your Honor," she sighed, "Every damn time !" With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever a guy feels like getting married, they send over a woman with crulers in her hair, cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it. A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much." The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board. When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed 'bored'."
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