Here are the top 25 things on Martha
Stewart's to do list...
Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints.
Start marketing new "Martha Stewart Soap-on-a-Rope."
Schedule hair and nails; think about going short-short and tres
butch.
Begin preparations for inevitable jailhouse conversion to Islam.
Dump Omnimedia stock before word gets out about the verdict.
Cut deal with Bush administration in exchange for lucrative post-war
Iraqi catering contract.
Send that nice judge a quilt handmade with $50 bills.
Berate domestic staffers while I still can.
Note to self: Next time, bury insider-trading memos in my
all-natural recycling compost heap.
Shoot prosecuting attorneys and have them stuffed for throw pillows.
Accept offer to pose nude in Better Homes and Gardens.
Offer large reward for palatable crow recipe.
Start crocheting toilet-seat doilies, because that metal's probably
cold in the morning.
Cover paper trail leading to al-Qaeda.
Request a prison where the uniforms have vertical, not horizontal,
stripes.
Test whether a little club soda and lemon juice can remove stains
from a soul.
Possible strategy for appeal: Blame it all on Scott Peterson!
Bake a seven-layer white-chocolate cake with framboise ganache.
Place file between layers. Freeze.
Start work on new book: Minimum Security With Maximum Flair.
Ask Rosie how to say "I'm not interested" in Lesbianese.
Remember... Outside: "And that's a GOOD thing!" Inside: "Shit be da
bomb, yo!"
Try to take that bitch Betty Crocker down with me.
Roll around in a huge friggin' pile of money one last time before
going off to jail.
Inform High Emperor that climate on this planet has changed; request
transfer back to Bitchior.
Thwart prison rapists by sealing my vagina shut with a hot-glue gun.
 
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