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Men Jokes



Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? A: Women working at 900 numbers.

Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.

Brian was dating Lorraine and they were very close. While they were dating he met another woman named Clearly and wanted to start dating her but felt that he should be faithful to Lorraine. So he continued to date Lorraine. One day Brian took Lorraine on a walk in the woods by the river. As they were walking near the river Lorraine fell in and was washed away. Brian softly sang, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone..."

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will, what will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."

What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Men are like plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom

Men are like department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.

Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.

Q. How are men like television commercials? A. You can't believe a word either one of them says, and they both last about 30 seconds.

Why did God create men first? Because we learn from mistakes.

What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!" What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, right now !

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?" "No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method. The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.

What do you do if your bank account stops working? Throw the guy out of the house.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

The difference between men and women A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "Stupid!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.

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