Not If She's Pregnant
Fatal things to say if your wife is
"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
"Get your *own* ice cream."
"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
"Got milk ?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
"Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."
"Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!"
"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."