In an attempt to influence the members of the
international Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the
games in the year 2012, the organizers of Manchester's bid have
already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has
been leaked and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a
native of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area), wearing the
traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip
van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of
the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local
'Manchester' athletes.
100 METERS SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and
microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting
pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind
the athletes.
100 METERS HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets,
hedges, gardens, fences walls etc.)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer
they wish to use (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one
who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the
public within the time allowed.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen
silver and jewelry as possible in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this
event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the
second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank
teller or Securicor style wages delivery man.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and
wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband
will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not
to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then
commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University
bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some
mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home.
All against the clock
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member
of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering,
flashing, joy riding and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors
will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up
litter on their way round the course.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship
canal. The first three survivors back, will decide the medals
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the
police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets
of
Manchester.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized
rock throwing and music by the Stockport Community Choir. The
Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old
washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats
next to the stadium. The stadium will be then boarded up before the
local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and
the central heating boiler.
 
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