The Real Man Test
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the
Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all
disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out
hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and
violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of
the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what
lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss
another male?
A. When you wish to display simple
and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social
conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business
reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another
male?
A. If he�s your father and at
least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you�re performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in
this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just
dislodging food trapped in this male�s trachea! I am not in any
way aroused!"
C. If you�re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits
a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided
that:
1. He is legally within the base path,
2. Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
3. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A
funeral is a good time to...
A. ...remember the deceased and
console his loved ones.
B. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
C. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer�s disease
and cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal
pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a
woman for several years. She is attractive and intelligent, and you
always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two
of you are taking it easy-you�re watching a football game; she�s
reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky,
tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship
is going. She says she�s not asking whether you want to get
married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future
together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the
two of you do have a future, but you don�t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you
cannot honestly say that you�ll be ready anytime soon to make a
lasting commitment, and you don�t want to hurt her by holding
out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third
and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided
that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your
life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and
the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the
world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice
restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her
hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your
wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children
ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or
anything?"
B. "They�re in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw
away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of
a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you�re not
sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not
naming names, but this would be his wife-is quietly trying to
discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because
the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than
with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is
the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the
Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally
got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when
they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
12. What is the human race�s
single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
How to Score...
Give yourself one point for every
time you picked answer "C."
A real guy would score at least 10 on
this test.
Give yourself a bonus 5 points for
knowing the Alzheimer�s joke.
 
|
