Religious Jokes II
First god created earth, then he rested...
A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns. After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Maria is a devout Catholic. (No condoms for her!) She gets married and has 17 children...and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later...and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, "At last...they're finally together." A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"
"No," the priest says politely, "I mean her LEGS."
One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a
mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a semi rammed
into them head on killing them instantly. They were coming to the
gates of heaven and noticed a sign that said "Closed for
Remodeling". One nun knocked on the gates and out came St.
Peter. He said, "What are you doing here! No one is supposed to
be here! We are closed for the weekend for remodeling!"
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right is standing an attractive women, and to his left is a ladder. The woman speaks, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man always eager to get ahead in life chooses to climb the ladder. The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.
He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him. Suddenly an old overweight man walks up to him. "Are you God?" the man asks. "No, I'm Sess."
The Pope had been diagnosed as having a potentially fatal testicular disease and after treatment he was told that he had to have sex with a woman to confirm that the treatment had been fully successful. He called all his Cardinals together and told them what he had to be done and they agreed it was necessary. The Pope said he would go ahead with it but insisted on four conditions. "Firstly", he said " the girl has to be blind so she cannot see it's the Holy Father and tell the whole world" "Secondly, she must be deaf so that she doesn't recognize the Holy Father's voice and tell the whole world" "Thirdly, as a precaution, she has to be dumb so she cannot tell the whole world anyway" At this point one of the Cardinals stood up and said " Leave it to me Holy Father, I know just the woman for you" As the Cardinal was about to leave the Pope said " wait a moment, I told you there are four conditions". He beckoned the Cardinal over and as the Cardinal bent down towards him, the Pope whispered in his ear ... "Big Tits!".
There was this little boy with no arms. He wanted to ring the church bell on Sundays so he went to talk to the preacher. The preacher didn't know how he was going to do it, but he figured he would give him a shot. When they got to the top tower, the kid runs face first into the bell, no sound. After a few moments, the kid gets up and begs the preacher for another try. The preacher tells him to do it, so the kid runs his head into the bell again, then falls out like the time before. When he gets up he again asks the preacher for another try. The preacher just nodes his head so the kid again runs his head into the bell and falls out again. By this time the bell was swinging away. When the kid stood up, the bell hit him in the face and knocked him out the window. He fell to the ground and died. When the police came, they asked the preacher if he knew the kids name. The preacher said," No. But his face sure rings a bell."
A married man goes to
confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair
with a woman... almost." "What do you mean almost?"
question the priest. "Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped." "Rubbing together is
the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're
not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put
$50 in the poor box."
A husband and wife attend a small
service at the local church one Sunday morning. The man was very
moved by the preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did
hear!" The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but
please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's
A preacher wanted to raise money
for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse
racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However
at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he
ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it,
he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his
surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper
carried this headline: �PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS�
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in
the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too
shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began
a crossword puzzle. 'This is fantastic,' thought the gentleman. 'I'm
really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll
ask me for assistance.'