Religious Jokes V
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied stripper... Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."
Q. What's the difference between Jesus and a
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and
things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a
week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town
and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do
something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the
confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor
started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest
about the code word.
Q. What did the Roman soldiers say to Christ
as they were nailing him to the cross?
A man joined the priesthood. The order he
joined could not speak for 7 years. Then they could only say 2
words. The first 7 years passed and they went into a small room. His
2 words were "too cold". The next 7 years passed and they took him
back into the small room and his 2 words were "bad food".
A priest is walking down the street one day
when he notices a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a
house across the street. However, the boy is very small, and the
doorbell is placed at normal adult height, and the little fellow
just can't reach. After watching the boy's sorry efforts for some
time as he moves closer to the boy's position, the priest steps
smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and,
placing one hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over the boy
and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Jesus walks into a hotel, tosses three nails on the front desk and says, "Hey, can you put me up for the night?"
Jesus, hanging on the cross, spots Peter in
the crowd at the bottom of the hill. "Peter," he calls. "Peter."
Peter hears his name and replies, "I hear, Lord, I'm coming," and
starts up the hill toward the cross. A Roman guard blocks Peter's
way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your arm." But Peter says, "I
must go on, my Lord is calling me," and tries to pass the guard, who
cuts off his arm with a sword.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close
enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a
million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."
Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because
he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
A priest, scientist, an astronaut and a plumber were playing golf one day. To kill the time they started a conversation on natural occurrences. They chose to debate about wind. The scientist said that winds were the result of thermal convection. The astronaut said that they were made by the planet's rotation. The priest said that storms were god's way of cleansing the earth. The plumber only knew that the wind always blew when he played golf. They played through 17 holes, arguing furiously. Just as they teed up at the 18th, everything became calm. Amazingly, a giant hand came down through the clouds just inches above their heads. The astronaut and the scientist didn't see it because they didn't believe in the supernatural. The priest knelt down and prayed in fear. Only the plumber stood up. Suddenly a voice boomed down "If you want the answer, pull my finger". The plumber did, and a mighty wind blew.
Three guys die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them "whatever you do, don't step on a pink cloud". The first guy goes off wandering. when he comes back, he's accompanied by one of the ugliest women you've ever seen. "What happened to you?" asked the other two. "I stepped on a pink cloud" he replied. The second guy goes off wandering and comes back with an even uglier girl. "what happened to you" they asked. "I stepped on a pink cloud." The last guy goes off wandering and comes back with the most beautiful woman any of them have ever seen. "What happened" they asked. the woman responded "I stepped on a pink cloud".
One day, Sally visited her local church. She
walked into the confessional and sat down. "Forgive me Father, for I
have sinned!" The priest opened a latch and spoke, "tell me of your
sins, and I shall cleanse your soul". "Well, last night, I visited my
boyfriend, Harry. I went to his house. After a while, we went into his
room... forgive me father" The priest sat quietly for a few seconds.
"Hmm, then you shall sit in your room each night, and not talk to
The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!" An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"
Jesus walks towards the gates of Heaven, quietly
whistling for himself.
St. Peter raises his eyes from the books and shouts: "You! Hey, you!
Where do you think you're going?"
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked
into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every
once in a while the lights would turn off.
A young man goes to confession and says, "Father, it
has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie
Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You
are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
A man is stumbling through the bush totally drunk and then he comes upon a Bishop baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the Bishop. The Bishop turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the Bishop grabs him and deeps him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The Bishop, shocked with the answer, deeps him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs struggling for breath, the Bishop pulls him up. The Bishop asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the Bishop
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes.
His boss asked what happened.
A mother took her little boy to church. While in
church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to
the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.
So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to
The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to them, " I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."