The ski season is finally here.
This list of exercises will help you get ready...
- Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in
freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to
- Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
- Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head
before you go to bed each night.
- If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the
- Throw away a hundred dollar bill - RIGHT NOW!
- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your
ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles.
Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically
- Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with
crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
- Buy a new pair of gloves and IMMEDIATELY THROW ONE AWAY!
- Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run
into you at high speed.
- Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be
sure you are in the longest line.
- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, get on a
motorcycle and ride fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your
- Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray
blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it
drip onto your clothes.
- Slam your thumb in a car door and don't bother to go see a doctor.
* Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until you're
ready for the real thing!