Top Ten Things To Say About a Christmas
Gift You Don't Like...
10. Hey! Now there's a gift!
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though.
There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to
1. I really don't deserve this.
Top Ten Signs That You've Had Too Much Of
10. When you make phone calls from
home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside
9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
phone in a business manner.
8. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do
not have e-mail addresses.
5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the US, but
haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask if
they're ready to go to lunch.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A
10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some
9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.
8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each
7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".
6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.
5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.
4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.
3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you
enter the trailer park".
1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's
Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic
Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
Top Ten Ways To Be An Annoying Usher...
10. Show up drunk. I mean REALLY drunk.
9. SQUEEZE as many people as you can in each row before opening up
the next one. We're going for efficiency here.
8. Two words: "Bathroom Key"
7. Insist on frisking all female guests. Body cavity searches are
6. "March" down the aisle and speak with a German accent
as you show people to their seats.
5. Urinate in front of each row you are about to open up. Make
comments about marking your territory.
4. Pretend you are the Phantom of the Opera. Lurk in the shadows
when time permits.
3. Offer your "services" to all guests.
2. Offer guests the opportunity to be included in your plans for
1. Insist on a pants-free environment.
Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New
10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop
car will stay lost.
9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your
HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a
nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can
be rather vindictive at times.
4. Can you believe it! Those shit heads at the corner market won't
cash my welfare check!
3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
Top Ten Reasons Studying is
Better Than Sex...
10. You can usually find someone
to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where
you left off.
8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a
4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your
roommate for help!
Top Ten Signs Your Spouse Is Having A Cyber
10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers.
4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.
3. During sex she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH ENTER
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass.
1. Lipstick on the mouse.
Top Ten Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped...
1. The cucumber has left the salad.
2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
3. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
7. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of
8. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
9. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From
Your Real Estate Agent When You Go To Settlement On Your New Home...
1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a
unique flair to any home's garden."
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps
the ancient Indian burial ground."
3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels,
but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50
feet of it."
4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."
5. "Your neighbour has assured me that, technically, they're not
6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it
would reach as far back as your property."
7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in
the presence of radioactivity."
8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice
sessions right next door?"
9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was
never actually able to prove it was murder."
10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He's one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
TOP TEN LIST OF PUT DOWNS TO MEN
1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be
2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote.
3. I always choose chocolate over men. ALWAYS
4. 51% love goddess...49% bitch. Care to push your luck?
5. My sexual preference is NO
6. My body is my temple, now get on your knees and pray.
7. It's not the size that counts, it's...no, wait, size does count.
8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice and everything nice.
9. Men are like hardwood floors, lay them right the first time and you
can walk all over them forever.
10. Save your breath for you inflatable date.
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards!