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Ultimate Redneck Test Category

Ultimate Redneck Test


You score points for every statement below that applies to you. You will notice that some items have double points, because they count in more than one category. In other words, if you �have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education,� you get 10 points in the car category and another 10 under education for 20 total points.


The Redneck Test for Cars and Trucks

1 Point: You've ever parked a vehicle in a tree. (2 points if it was a Camero)
1 Point: You have a rag for a gas cap. (2 points if you regularly drive the car)
1 Point: You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car. (2 points if it has been there for more than a month, 3 points if more than 3 months. Continue to add 1 point each month.)
2 Points: You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
2 Points: Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray. (Add one more for each additional color)
2 Points: The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
2 Points: When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank. (Double points: Car & Booze = 4 total)
5 Points: You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
5 Points: You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it in prison. (Double points: Car & Family = 10 total)
5 Points: You mow your lawn and find a car. (Add 5 points for each additional car you find.)
5 Points: There is more than one car up on blocks in the front yard. (Double points: Car & Home Decorating = 10 total per car) 10 Points: You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. (Double points: Car & Education = 20 total) Jeffroe Hatfield holds the high score for this section at 221 points. Jeffroe mowed his lawn last summer and discovered 4 trucks and 3 cars. (6 were actually in the grass. One was a Camero in a tree that he could not see because the grass was that high.) Four had hefty bags in the passenger windows and 6 had rags for gas caps. He poured gin in their gas tanks, but could only get one to start. He put wide rear tires on that one along with the license plate that his father made. He plans to haul hay bales in it. The rest he put up on blocks in the front yard and has partially painted with primer. Jeffroe Hatfield says, �Ya�ll forget that book learnin� in an hour, but a good truck � now thar�s somethin� a man can be proud of.�


The Redneck Dogs, Hunting and Road Kill Test

2 Points: You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. (Double points: Dog & Hygiene = 4 total)
2 Points: Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. (Double points: Hunting & Family = 4 total)
5 Points: You have forgotten which coat is sprayed in deer-pee, and worn it to church.
5 Points: You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. (Double points: Hunting & Family = 10 total)
5 Points: Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. (Double points: Hunting & Truck = 10 total)
5 Points: You and your friends sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota. (Triple points: Hunting, Entertainment & Friends = 5 points per person)
5 Points: You've ever tried to hit a deer with your vehicle ... on purpose! (Double points: Hunting & Truck = 10 total) 10 Points: If you succeeded in hitting a deer with your vehicle � again on purpose. (Double points: Hunting & Truck = 20 total) 20 Points: You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
Bubba McCow is top gun in this category with 102 points. Bubba�s Christmas rituals are legendary. Every year (after he gives both his Grandma�s ammo), Bubba and his 3 buddies climb up on the roof with their shotguns and a case of PBR beer in hopes of bagging Rudolf. This eventually led to his wife, Maycee, to ask for a divorce. She sued for custody of their 2 prize hunting dogs. Now he hunts with his 1976 Chevy Bonanza truck � no gun � no dogs � just the truck. Maycee says, �Christmas was a annual nightmare. Those idiots shot out every light in the trailer park. But those 3 stuffed skunks in the bedroom � I couldn�t sleep � Their presence permeated the house all year long.�


The Redneck Education Guide

2 Points: You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
2 Points: The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute". (Double Points: Education & Decorating = 4 total)
5 Points: Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. (Double Points: Education & Family = 10 total) 20 Points: You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
25-year-old Sherwood Fleabalm is the most recent individual to rack up the 36 possible points in this section. After completing 6th grade last year, Mr. Fleabalm went to work at Larry�s Lube Shop, but they all felt he was �snooty, � because he had so much education. He recently graduated from the Alabama School of Trucking and Cosmetology. Sherwood says, �Ah tell awl ma cousins ta git a good ed-joo-cay-shun.�


The Redneck Entertainment Challenge

1 Point: You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
1 Point: The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
1 Point: You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
1 Point: You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. (Double Points: Cars & Entertainment = 2 total)
5 Points: You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
5 Points: You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
5 Points: You've been too drunk to fish. (Double Points: Booze & Entertainment = 10 total)
5 Points: You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. (Double Points: Alcohol & Entertainment = 10 total) 10 Points: You celebrate Groundhog Day (cause ya believe in it!!) 10 Points: You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
20 Points: You win the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
Clyde Calpepper, holder of the top score (75 points) in this category, has wide ranging interests: Conrad Twitty, wrestling, and stock car racing to name a few. For winning the Groundhog Day Spittin� Contest last year, he received 2 C.B.s, a bug-zapper, a year�s supply of beer and a trip to Sea World. Clyde says, �Ah bean too drunk ta walk, but dis was da first time I ever bean too drunk ta fish. Else ah wooda got me one of dem Or-a-kin fish.�


Redneck Food and Booze Test

1 Point: You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
1 Point: You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are major food groups.
1 Point: You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
1 Point: You�ve made a pyramid of beer cans. (Double Points: Booze & Entertainment = 2 total)
2 Points: You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
2 Points: You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
2 Points: Your idea of a 7-course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
5 Points: You have lost one tooth opening a beer bottle. (Double Points: Booze & Hygiene = 10 total points for each tooth)
5 Points: Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events. (Triple Points: Booze, Family & Entertainment = 15 total) 10 Points: Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
10 Points: Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your hometown. (Double Points: Booze & Entertainment = 20 total) 10 Points: You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. (Triple Points: Hunting, Food & Truck = 30 total) 10 Points: Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. (Triple Points: Hygiene, Dogs & Food= 30 total) Thelma Lou Eisenmeyer�s (80 Points )beer can collection draws tourists from 7 counties, so she decided to put in a concession stand serving barbequed Spam on a cracker, beef jerky, Moon Pies, pork & beans and beer. Sometimes, she�ll even serves deer burgers, if her brother �gets lucky.� She rents Styrofoam containers for those who want to carry out and dreams of expanding her little restaurant into a KFC and liquor store. Thelma Lou says, �Da Ul-ti-mat Redneck Test is da most ex-sight-in� thang that�s ever heppen to me. The onlyest thang that would could be betta, is to meet Mr. Jack Daniels hisself.�


The Redneck Friends and Family Test

1 Point: You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
1 Point: Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Double Points: Family & Entertainment = 2 total)
2 Point: A ceiling fan has ever ruined your female family member�s hairdo.
2 Points: Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. (Double Points: Family & Car = 4 total)
5 Points: Your spouse or child weighs more then your refrigerator.
5 Points per Relative: A living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
5 Points: You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
5 Points: Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it." (Triple Points: Family, Hygiene & Entertainment = 15 total) 10 Points: Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
10 Points: Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event. (Double Points: Family & Entertainment = 20 total) 20 Points: You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
20 Points: Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Jeff Davis, a real family man, holds the high point honors (101) in this category. Every weekend he goes with his mother, tag-team wrestler Super-Sized Dolly, and his son, Jeff Davis Junior, to the zoo or the racetrack. Jeff�s neighbors say. �His gene pool doesn't have a �deep end� and his family tree doesn't fork.� Jeff replies, �There�s nothing wrong with marrying your cousin. After all, my sister married her uncle.� Super-Sized Dolly says, �Jeff Boy! Git that tooth pick out a yar mouth!� Jeff Junior adds, �Ah am proud a ma pa, �cause he dumps the biggest turds in the county.�


Home Decorating

1 Point per Item: You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.
1 Point: You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
1 Point: You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
1 Point: The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
1 Point: Your boat has not left the driveway in a long time. (Double Points: Decorating & Entertainment = 2 points for every year)
2 Point per Item: Your wife has a Budweiser knick-knack collection � clocks, figurines, mugs etc.
2 Points: Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
2 Points: The Salvation Army declines your stuff.
5 Points: There is a stuffed formerly alive animal anywhere in your house. (Double Points: Home & Road kill = 10 points per animal)
5 Points per Decoration: The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
5 Points per Painting: You own a painting on black velvet. (10 points if it�s Elvis)
5 Points: You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture. (Double Points: Home & Hygiene = 10 total)
5 Points: Your home has more miles on it than your car.
10 Points: Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
10 Points: You burn your yard rather than mow it or decide it�s just easier to spray Round-Up all over everything.
10 Points: Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
10 Points: You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
10 Points: You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
10 Points per Item Brought Home: You come back from the dump with more than you took.
20 points: If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes, a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
25 points: A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
Noted art-on-velvet painter Charlene Blumenshine scored the most points (268 without a tornado hitting the neighborhood) in this section. Last summer, she and her taxidermist husband, Furd, burned the yard around their trailer, so it would be easier to get to the bathroom and refrigerator. To their surprise, they discovered their boat and the 3 toilets she brought home from the dump and planted flowers in 2 years ago. But the biggest advantage was now they can see their year-round Christmas display even better. Charlene regularly gets to the Stinky�s Gas and Grill for the newest Budweiser clock or Elvis collectible. Their neighbor is lawyer, Reid Stromsburg. He says, �Christmas lights 12 months a year! Enough!�


Romance

1 Point: Dolly Parton reminds you of the �Grand Tetons'.
5 Points for every time: You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint.
5 Points for every time: You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
5 Points per girlfriend: You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. (Double points if your girlfriend was a cousin.) 10 Points: You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
15 Points per wife: You dated your daddy's current wife in high school. (Double Points: Family & Romance = 30 total per wife)
15 Points per year: You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. (Double Points: Family & Romance = 30 total per year) 20 points: Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it. (Double Points: Family & Romance = 40 total) It�s a rare weekend when Romance Redneck, Zechariah Filmore (total 150 points), doesn�t have a black eye or hickey � generally both. His tongue gestures and animal noises just seem to raise a ruckus. The water tower in Point Pleasant, Iowa is a catalog of his girlfriends. (3 were cousins. 2 dated his daddy, but only one married him.) �Ah always brung the mistletoe to owr family Christmas dinner,� Zechariah says.


Wardrobe and Hygiene

1 Point: You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirtsleeve.
1 Point: You own at least 10 baseball hats.
2 Points: You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
2 Points: You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions
5 Points: When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
5 Points: Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
5 Points: Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
5 Points: You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear
5 Points: Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco. (Double Points: Family & Wardrobe = 10 total) 10 Points: You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
10 Points per Time: You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
10 Points per Time: You've ever worn a tube top or a beer T-shirt to a wedding.
10 Points per Time: You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
10 Points per Time: You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
15 Points: You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a month.
15 Points: Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
15 Points: You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
�Ah have a special matching Pabst Blue Ribbon T-shirt and baseball hat that Ah wear only for formal occasions,� says Marty Eager. It�s that philosophy that brought him to the top of the Redneck Wardrobe category (91 points). Marty�s baseball hat collection is so extensive that he can wear a different hat everyday for 2 months. �Of course, he doesn�t,� says his wife Gertrude. �He wears the same one till it�s frayed and you can�t tell the original color. Then I git mad and throw it out.� �You WHAT!� says Marty. �Don�t you go near ma belt buckle collection.� �But yoo cain�t wear �em with overalls,� replies Mrs. Eager. The Eager bath tub was 25 rungs and Exxon currently has the oil rights to Mary�s hair.


A Test on the Miscellaneous Qualities Unique to the American Redneck

1 Point: You don�t know what miscellaneous means.
1 Point for Every Time: You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
1 Point for Every Time: You've ever made change in the offering plate.
5 Points: You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
5 Points: You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
5 Points: The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
5 Points: You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
10 Points: Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
10 Points: You are still holding on to confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
Some qualities unique to the redneck defy categorization. Emma Lou McCormick excels in this area with 136 points. Every Sunday, Emma Lou makes change in the collection plate and greets her minister at the Baptist Church of Amazing Grace with, �How�s it hangin� over yonder dare padre.� She always laughs after she says it � alone. Sixteen-year old Miss Harris is a proud employee of the Podunk, Georgia Wal-Mart. �The most excitin� thang that ever happened to me before da Ultimate Redneck Test � gushes Emma Lou, � was inheritin� ma gram�s confederate money. I�m gonna use it ta finance ma dream � a fireworks stand. Ah�m gonna do it, too, in jest a few yars, when I finish eighth grade.�


So Who Is the ULTIMATE REDNECK?
The most points ever scored on this test so far was 911 racked up by Billy Bob Dimwitty, whose 3rd grade teacher read him the Ultimate Redneck Test when he was 19. He plans to quit school next year and marry Cindy Lou (his Brother-in Law, Uncle Bobby�s daughter) and attend the trucking Institute of Georgia. "That tornado comin' through the neighborhood put us over the top.� Here are a few of his other qualifications:

  • There are 17 cars in various stages of disrepair in his front yard.
  • He has 3 taxidermists on his speed dial.
  • He has been thrown out of the Sea World for arriving drunk with a fishing pole.
  • His dogs leave the room when Billy Bob eats.
  • He is president of the Committee to Change the National Anthem to �Georgia on my Mind.� (The C.C.N.A.G.M.)
  • A list of every girl friend he�s had since he was 7 in on the Interstate 75 Overpass.

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