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Women Jokes



Why did the women cross the road? Well thats not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!

Why are women such bad drivers? Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.

Brother: What kind of sharks never eat women ? Sister: Man-eating sharks.

Doctor Sawbones speaking. Oh, doctor, my girlfriend's just dislocated her jaw. Can you come over in, say, three or four weeks' time?

What do you calll a woman that people sit on ? Cher !

Why haven't Women landed on the Moon? - Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

Should I have a baby after 35? No, 35 children is enough.

What Do you tell a woman with two black eyes ? Nothing, you told her twice.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth? Fred: I don't know, Sir. Teacher: Come on, Fred, it has something to do with an apple. Fred: Granny Smith?

Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed? To feed her nightmare.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted." - The next day he received a hundred letters saying "You can have mine."

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." They start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there \r nare still two floors left, they continue on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect. "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they would be missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. On the fifth floor they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. "Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish." The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My w ives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', and know how to make them truly happy." The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one move s. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" - I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. - Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? - They want to.

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