This is the definitive survival
guide for taking that all important dump at work...
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
dump in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive
when passing an unseen police car while speeding. If you release an
escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did
not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
When forcing a dump, several farts slip out at machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or hangover. If this
should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has
left the toilet to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the turd
hits the water and the log is whisked away to an undisclosed
location. This reduces the amount of air time the turd has to stink
up the toilet. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall to the sink to the door after you have just
stunk-up the toilet. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the
smell does not exist.
OUT OF CLOSET DUMPER (OCD)
A colleague who dumps at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an OCD enter the toilet with a newspaper, a magazine or a
large work document under their arm and takes invariably long to
dump. Always look around the office for the missing OCD before
entering the toilet.
THE DUMPING FRIENDS NETWORK (DFN)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency dumping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of OCDs and identify SAFE HAVENS.
A seldom used toilet somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a dumper of your sex or other
assorted DFNs and OCDs entering the toilet.
A dumper who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur in mid-dump at work. If this happens, do not
say anything (a short Camo-Cough is ok) and remain in the stall
until the TURD BURGLAR gives up or leaves. This way you will avoid
all uncomfortable eye contact.
A phoney cough which alerts all new entrants to the toilet that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to
alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the toilet immediately so
the dumper can dump in peace.
A log that creates a deep loud splash when hitting the water level.
This is also an embarrassing occurrence. If you feel a WATERMELON
coming on, create a synchronised diversion, see CAMO-COUGH.
A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
water. Often followed by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an
ASTAIRE in sync.
A toilet user who seems to linger forever. Could spend an immoderate
length of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the can. An
UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the can. Consider
waiting to take a dump until the toilet is empty. This benefits you
as well as the other attendees.
The act of scouting a toilet before dumping. Walk in and check for
other dumpers. If there are others in the toilet, leave and come
back later. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly popping into the
toilet even if it is just to check it out.
A toilet bowl that has seen more arse than a Metro Bus. Tell tale
signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubic hair, urine stains and log
streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the
janitor cleans that particular toilet. Although a CRACK WHORE can
become a SAFE HAVEN.