Congratulations! You have purchased an Anthrax
2000 Multimedia Personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It
will give many years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and
running. Also included with your PC is a special bonus pack of free
pre-installed software:- 'Lawn Mowing Planner', 'Blank Screen
Saver', 'East Africa Route Finder' and 'X15 Submarine Mechanic'
valued at over a fiver, which will provide hours of pointless
diversion whilst using up most of your computers spare memory. You
are now ready to begin the installation so turn the page and lets
get started!
<new page>
Getting Ready: Congratulations, you have successfully turned the
page which means you have a high enough IQ to realize things don't
look too good. If your delicate PC has arrived in a damaged box,
possibly from miss-handling or being dropped, it will be doubtful
that the box will be of any use and can be thrown away.
Important meaningless note: The Anthrax 2000 is configured to use
the 80386, Z80 and ARMITAGE SHANKS processors running at 2,472 hertz
on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installation and
insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry. To prevent
internal heat build up, select a cool, dry environment for your
computer. The bottom shelf of a refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the
box and examine its contents. (WARNING: Do not open the box if
contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your
warranty. Return all missing contents in their original packaging
with a note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will
be sent within twelve working months.) Also, only open the box if
you intend to use your PC as this will bind you to the terms and
conditions set out in the manual, which will be sent to you when it
has been written. The contents of the box (if you have the deluxe
model) should include some of the following: Monitor with mysterious
De Gauss button; keyboard with 2� inches of flex; computer unit;
miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for this
model; 2,000 page 'Owners Manual' of which 1,987 pages are in 26
different languages; 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Quick
Start Guide' to the 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Laminated
Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient
or Stupid'; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish
and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of cardboard and
Styrofoam packing material.
All our PC's are subjected to a rigorous 24 hour 'Burn In - Burn
Out' test. Please wipe off any soot from the case before using.
Something They Didn't Tell You When You Ordered: Because of the
additional power hungry needs of the Computer like switching it on,
you will need to acquire an Anthrax 2000 auxiliary hardware upgrade
pack, a 900 volt memory capacitor for the auxiliary hardware pack, a
50 megahertz oscillator for the memory capacitor, 64 Gigabytes
of additional memory for the oscillator and a small electrical
substation.
Setting Up: You are now ready to set up your PC. If you have not yet
acquired a degree in Electrical engineering, now is the time to do
so. Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit (D);
attach power offload unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC
servo channel (G); plug the three-pin mouse cable into the keyboard
housing unit (make an extra hole if necessary); connect modem (B2)
to offside parallel audio/video lineout jack. Alternatively, plug
the cables into the most likely looking holes, switch on and see
what happens. Additional meaningless note: The wires in the ampule
modulator unit are marked as follows: blue = neutral or live; yellow
= live or blue; blue and live = neutral and green; black = instant
death. Plug in, switch on, and retire to a safe distance. If after
plugging in and switching on your PC nothing happens, the items sent
to you may have been
mislabelled. Please try plugging in the box. Should your computer
appear to be working, please contact us immediately as we may need
to employ you.
Now its time to install your Microsofarsogood
software. Insert Disc A (marked 'Disc D' or 'Disc G') into Drive
Slot B and type 'Setup' and press Return. If your keyboard does not
have a return key, simply press the small spring lever where the
Return button should be and wait. After installation, you will be
asked to enter your License Verification Number. Your License
Verification Number can be found by entering your Certified User
Number, which can be found by entering your License Verification
Number. If you are unable to find your License Verification or
Certified User numbers, call the Software Support Line for
assistance. (Please have your License Verification and Certified
User numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist
you.)
If you have not already lost faith, please
insert Installation Diskette 1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa) and
follow the instructions on your screen. (Note: owing to software
modifications, some instructions will appear in Romanian) At each
prompt, select an option most suitable for the installation. As a
rule of thumb and general to most installations, the Exit option is
always a good bet. If the installation fails with an error message
'## Not enough disk space ##' then you should have bought a bigger
disk. If the installation is successful, insert Diskette 2, marked
'Diskette 1', and repeat the previous steps with each of the 187
other disks. Should you be unfortunate enough to receive an error
message that says: Invalid file path. Abort or Continue? Be warned ,
Selecting 'Continue' may result in irreversible drive damage and
loss of memory. On the other hand, selecting 'Abort' may result in
irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. Please select the most
appropriate option. When installation is complete, make sure your
computer is plugged into the phone socket, type in your Name,
Address and Credit Card details and press 'SEND'. This will
automatically register you for our free software prize, 'Blank
Screensaver IV: Night Time in Deep Space', and allow us to pass your
name to lots and lots of computer magazines, online services and
other commercial enterprises, who will be getting I touch shortly.
If you should see numerous miscellaneous debits on your credit card,
this is perfectly normal as it verifies that your modem is working
correctly. Please be sure to fill in you warranty registration form
and send it to us immediately. Failure to do this will result in us
not receiving it.
<new page>
You are now ready to use your computer. Here are some simple
exercises to get you off to a flying start:
Writing a letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with the name of someone
you know. Write a few lines about yourself, and then write
'Sincerely yours' followed by your own name. Print it off on your
new printer that you are about to order from us and Voila!
Saving a file: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose 'Save
As', Choose 'Recycle Bin' as the location and press 'OK'.
Alternatively, write it in long-hand on a sheet of paper and place
it in a drawer.
Advice on using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't!
Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems through
the life of your computer. These are quite normal and commonplace so
don't send anything back to us.
Here are a few problems you may encounter and their solutions:
Problem: My computer won't turn on Solution/Advice: This is
perfectly normal
Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution/Advice: Turn the keyboard the right way up.
Problem: My foot pedal wont work
Solution/Advice: Try using it on the mouse mat instead
Problem: My CD Rom won't work.
Solution/Advice: This is not a CD-ROM, it's a coffee holder.
Problem: I have made a mistake in the word processor. How do I
change it?
Solution/Advice: Tipp-Ex over the mistake and type it in correctly.
Problem: I keep getting a message saying 'General Protection Fault'
Solution/Advice: This is probably because you are trying to use the
computer. Switch the computer to OFF mode and any messages will
disappear.
Problem: What exactly will my warranty cover?
Solution/Advice: Its big enough to cover your mouse mat
Problem: My PC is a useless piece of junk
Solution/Advice: You need to upgrade to the Anthrax 3000 turbo model
with exclusive limited ability, or trade your PC in for our pen and
paper set. **
** Due to problems with some of our pens, the pen and paper set has
been discontinued.
 
|
 |
