New computer helpdesk support fees:
Calling me with a question - $10
Calling me with a stupid question - $30
Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $50
Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate
problem description - $1000 + punitive damages
Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $50
Questions where answer is in TFM - $100.00
Calling me back with the same problem after I fix it once - $100
Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on
my end somehow - $200
Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem -
$25/step
Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile +
gas
If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody
else's problem - $170/hr
If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $250/hr
If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr
If you've come to ask me why something isn't working while I'm
currently working on it- $270/hr
If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday -
$175/hr
If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday,
but never did fix - $85/hr
If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't
work - $95/hr
If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who
could have done it for you - $150/hr
Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving
immediately after hanging up the phone - $1500.00
Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having
and which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over
to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it.
- $1700.00
Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning
it's your personal machine at home - $500.00
Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - $150.00
Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you
not to do - $300.00
Not telling all of your co-workers about it - $850.00
Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive - $50.00
BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive - $250.00
Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mouse pad - $25.00
Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mouse pad 90
degrees - $35.00
Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50.00
Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - $35.00
Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button - $250.00
Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on -
$200.00
Fixing the "hung" system by plugging the Ethernet transceiver back
in - $375.00
Fixing the crashed name server by plugging back in the SCSI cord
someone accidentally yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real'
sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation - $400
Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging
the monitor lead back in - $50
Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't
have an account there - $10
Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to
have an account on because you used it to try to break into the
above server - $500
Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger
- $25
Changing memory partitions without informing me first - $50
Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first -
$100 per program
Technical support for the above programs - $150 per hour (regardless
of whether I know the program or not)
Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard
Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor
Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus
hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system
Leaving files on desktop - $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left
unclaimed
Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve - $50 plus cost of sleeve
plus cost of therapy
Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to
fix a brand new machine - $200
Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus - $25
Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC
streets - $50
Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and
another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you
say... "So that's what the little box that popped up on my screen
was telling me to do!" - $40
Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see
if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five
other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to
you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Never mind." -
$35 (including discount for polite apology)
Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software -
$25
Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated
software]? Mine just died." requests - $45
Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about
that; why don't you try calling the number on the box in which you
bought it?" line - $55
Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to
get the hint in the previous response - $95 (includes instructions
for getting freeware replacements from the public file server)
Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger
than 18 points - $15
If I wrote the sign - $45
If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor
facing the door - $75
Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG
archive in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client
problem - $25.00
Reporting it more than once - $50.00
Reporting it more than once and implying slothfulness on tech
support's inability to solve problem - $200.00
Beeper Prices:
Beeping me when I'm out with the significant other - $150
Beeping me when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure that help
files were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on all
machines before I left - $200
Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printer's offline and
the fix is to press the On Line button - $200
Beeping me more than once while I'm asleep - $50 per beep
Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds -
$55
Beeping me and then changing your story / denying you placed the
call / hoped I would forget who caused the problem - $50
Special Rates:
Dealing with user body odour - $175.00/hour
Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at
site - $150.00/hour
Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but
still calls every other day for help - $300.00/hour
Dealing with computer hobbyists - $500.00/hour
Questioning the other prices - $50
 
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