Diary of a Snow Shoveler...
December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of
the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours
by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like
newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white
snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was
the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years
and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the
sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What
a perfect life.
December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob
says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never
want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a
nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so.
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the
driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back
this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would
have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in
shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a
4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra
shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case
the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska,
after all.
December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the
ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife
laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.
December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to
go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and
try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but
won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't
believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14"
of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn
snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but
they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I
think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have
it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because
13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it
probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all
dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I
got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to
0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this
morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a
month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l
broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever
catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow I'll drag him
through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken
shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was too busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25 - Merry fucking Christmas! 20 more inches of the
god damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my
blood boil. God I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him
over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I
think shes a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A
Wondeful Life" one mor time, I'm going to stuff her into the
microwave.
December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move
here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze,
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me
1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE
BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the
roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard.
How dumb does he think I am?
December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver
he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave
him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.
The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.
January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white
pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
 
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