The top 40 ways men fail in bed...
take notes, all you Casanovas!
1. NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the
erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and
trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A
properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told
you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic
and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your
50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3. NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to
your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and
thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion,
it's avoidance.
4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a
melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke,
caress, and smooth them.
5. BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples,
then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her
breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to
chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them
is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle
the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a
radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just
the exclamation points.
7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway
with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown
Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far
too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start
paying them some attention.
8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt
region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going
to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's
responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so
gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where
they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very
fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb
jaw or not.
12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid
she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her
head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through
her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her
thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the
clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where
it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to
stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but
if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's
best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her
vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she
likes it.
15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual,
relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are
okay; elbows and knees are not.
16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping
before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off,
even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a
at his worst. Lose the socks first.
18. GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation,
the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power
tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by
your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular
thrusts.
19. GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into
her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback
riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20. COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot
before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup
plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an
hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's
more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing
wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while
you're playing Marathon Man.
22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell.
Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a
saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on
gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's
eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to
mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from
being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her
mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water
mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing
oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the
moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies,
women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it
just means more laundry to do.
28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is
fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not.
Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the
captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is
how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions.
If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that
being drunk is an excuse.
30. TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?"
she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have
custody of them.
31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from
drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it
off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot
candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic
noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga
in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too
ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped
hamstrings.
34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation
feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
35. GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle
suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman
wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on
end.
36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach
with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37. TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor
calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep
on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for
you.
39. SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you
lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40. THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your
bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
HEY GUYS! NEXT TIME REMEMBER THESE RULES AND THE LADY MAY INVITE YOU
BACK.
 
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