UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a
$600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and
therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to
learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer
clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do
not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now
a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin
board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for
lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
 
|
 |
